full

in my determination to rebirth this blog, i decided i had to say something. but of course as soon as i decided that i had nothing to say. then you're just screwed cause no matter what you do say it is automatically forced and not genuine. which totally sucks, because you often have real thoughts but then your nasty little conscience (might i add that a friend of mine recently informed me that his actually has a name, captain fuckbubbles) makes you doubt it, then it's negated, you're more distressed, and the cycle continues. so essentially your reality becomes "wow, i'm a flaming faaaaake." but anyway, in spite of all that fun and self-doubt, and since lately all i seem to be able to tihnk about is music and the amazing effects it can have on you if you let it, i decided to peruse some lyrics of the best band who ever played and happened upon the words to a tune i don't even know particularly well, but it's, well, right. right enough that i don't even have to question my motives. i probably will anyway, but it's cool.

oh, and let me just say that i am
a) obsessed with the grateful dead -- like clinically
b) had no sleep last night -- none at all
c) spent the all night thing listening and dancing to music under the influence of multiple substances that might have me a wee bit loopy today
(point being this might be a little bright-eyed, hippie, the-whole-world-is-connected-and-we-are-one-esque. i'll try to keep it under control, but i have to admit i'm sort of still feeling like that.)


so enough of that; this is a bobby tune; i think recorded on blues for allah for the first time. but...

"there's mosquitoes on the river.
fish are rising up like birds.
it's been hot for seven weeks now,
too hot to even speak now.
did you hear what i just heard?

say, it might have been a fiddle,
or it could have been the wind.
but there seems to be a beat, now.
i can feel it in my feet, now.
listen, here it comes again! there's a band out on the highway.
they're high-steppin' into town.
they're a rainbow full of sound.
it's fireworks, calliopes and clowns --

everybody's dancing.
come on, children. come on, children,
come on clap your hands.

sun went down in honey.
moon came up in wine.
stars were spinnin' dizzy,
lord, the band kept us so busy
we forgot about the time.

they're a band beyond description
like jehovah's favorite choir.
people joinin' hand in hand
while the music plays the band.
lord, they're setting us on fire.

crazy rooster crowin' midnight.
balls of lightning roll along.
old men sing about their dreams.
women laugh and children scream,
and the band keeps playin' on.

keep on dancin' through to daylight.
greet the morning air with song.
no one's noticed, but the band's all packed and gone.
was it ever here at all?

but they keep on dancing.
c'mon, children. c'mon, children,
come on clap your hands.

well, the cool breeze came on tuesday,
and the corn's a bumper crop.
the fields are full of dancing,
full of singing and romancing,
'cause the music never stopped."

so, very literally, music and just letting it do with you what it will: that's pretty euphoric. and it's something i've really been tapping into lately. it's an amazing thing to just let go and allow what you're hearing to dictate how you're feeling and what you're physically doing with yourself, to sort of surrender that task for a time. i'm so grateful that i've discovered what music can really do; and the more i get tastes of that feeling, the more i'm determined to have more. the music certainly didn't stop tonight -- err, last night. whatever. days. running. together. but this song, the words, so simple. rudimentary. as to specifics, well i certainly don't frolic in the cornfields (oooh but that does sound oddly appealing) and i don't listen to fiddlin' too reguarly; it's not hot where i am right now. or at least i certainly didn't think so at 5 this morning when i was wandering around the entrance to the brooklyn bridge trying to manage the dual task of hailing a cab without getting run over by said cab. so yeah. but that's it, right? none of it seems to pertain to me at all. so isn't that just it? because i feel like it's got my name written all over it.

i guess the reason i feel so enthusiastic and connected to these words right now (in addition to those stated above) is the idea expressed in them that the music has always been there. it's never stopped. and what makes me ecstatic that i get to wake up tomorrow is the fact that, you know what? it's not going to stop. and it changes. always. maybe it's music for me, maybe it's not for you. maybe tomorrow it'll be something else for both of us. but it's always there, and it always was. even during the dark ages o' blythe, as i like to call them, it was there. maybe i couldn't find it, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there. [greet the morning air with song / no one's noticed, but the band's all packed and gone / was it ever here at all?]. it's that good. it's like happiness and satisfaction with anything. all of a sudden it just is and it always was and you know that now and your head is all twisted and you're all disoriented. and happy. and finding new versions of that same feeling -- that's almost as good: to know that you can chase that and, sometimes, you might actually catch it. and then it gets even better, because there will always be something to chase.

it doesn't stop; it didn't stop, and it won't. and all at once, i'm living it. somehow, i get to live it.

and TOTCHKA on that!